The norm tends to be established by our parents' generation and their parents' generation before them. But what happens when romance happens outside of the norm? When the sexual practices of another that are usually taboo and forbidden are introduced to a wider audience? Furthermore what happens when those practices are introduced to a frothing, romance starved, way dirtier than you believe them to be, culture of sexually objectified and sexually repressed women?
Well that's what we're here to discuss today my friends! Welcome to Ain't It Lulz News Book Guru with your host, Kyp Huttsucker. Today I've gathered some of the best literary minds around the Galaxy to discuss the latest book release by Kantherion Onerious. We have Doctor June Beaver, author of 'Coming Dear' the Essential Guide to being a housewife in the modern era. We also have with us Barren Kaviss, author of 'FUCKING MANDALORIONS RULE! LOCK AND LOAD DUDE! LOCK AND LOAD!'. And finally we have K.K. Kowlings, author of 'Larry Knotter and the Half Sith Chick.'
So let's get right into it shall we? So here we have it, the cover art to Fifty Shades of Kanth.
Kaviss: How is she supposed to have any protection in that? There's no beskar. No flamethrower. Obviously Mandalore wouldn't want her out like that. She HAS to be dar'manda.
Kowlings: As you can see here from just the cover, she has some sweet tits and he's totally checking them out.
Rather fine tits indeed. Now, once you get into the book you begin to read up on how Nebulis, the chiss from the cover, is actually quite annoyed with Kantherion to begin with. There's several anecdotes of their meetings where he approaches her without the suave sophistication one might expect. For example, this excerpt from chapter two:
"So what's your sign?", he asked her as they stood on the lift to the bridge of the massive ship, looking over at her with that odd look that she guessed was supposed to be charming but was somewhere between what she guessed was constipated and orgasmic.
"I don't have a sign. What are you talking about?", Nebulis asked in her sultry voice.
"I got one for ya, here.", he replied as he pulled out a small yellow diamond sign with the words 'Rear Entry Only' printed on it.
So as you can see he's not exactly suave or sophisticated and we have that made clear in the early chapters. Somewhere along the lines though he manages to bring her into his world of bounty hunting, bad pick up lines, and pre-pubescent potty jokes. What are your thoughts on some of these earlier chapters where we're getting to know the two?
Dr. Beaver: Well he's obviously in need of someone to take care of him. I mean just look at the poor fellow.
Kaviss: She should have caved his skull in for daring to make a joke to her! KILL THE INFIDEL!! KILL THE NON-MANDALORIAN!!
Kowlings: Titties.
Let's move on to the middle of the book. Here we have the pair of them together after some more awkward courtship on Kantherion's behalf. Now while they haven't commited to a relationship of sorts there has been some sex between the pair at this point. It's in these chapters that we begin to be exposed to what the author, Kantherion, describes as a more taboo side of things. Such as some of the following examples of sensual torture..
"Torture me as only a woman can!", Kantherion whispered to her in a breathy voice.
The chiss pressed her shapely form against him, one delicate hand caressing over one scruff covered cheek as she leaned in, whispering softly into his ear, her lush lips brushing against the lobe as she spoke ever so softly, "My mother is coming to visit for a month."
Dr. Beaver: I guess I don't understand what he's trying to get at here. It's clear in other writings that Nebulis doesn't know who her mother is. And why would someone's mother coming to visit be torture?
Kaviss: Family is important. It should be honored and treasured. But not as much as ARMOR AND BLASTERS AND FUCK JEDI AND SITH! FUCK 'EM! MANDOS FOREVER WOOOOOOO!!!!!
Kowlings: I think this is more a metaphor for missionary style really.
Oookaaaayy. But we also see other examples of Nebulis wanting him to punish her....
"I've been naughty.", the chiss said softly.
Kantherion rose from the bed and placed a pair of eyeglasses on his nose. "Nebulis I'm giving you detention. You need to learn not to talk in class."
Nebulis grinned at him as she too rose from the bed, nude but for a pair of lace black panties. She strolled towards him slowly, firm hips swaying back and forth in a sultry manner as she walked slowly around him three times, one hand trailing over his shoulders and neck as she did so. Finally the chiss turned and moved to sit at her desk, quietly doing multiplication problems for the next fifteen minutes.
Dr. Beaver: Well that's good that she's able to recognize when she's in the wrong and is willing to do the extra work to make up for it.
Kaviss: Fuck that shit! No self respecting warrior let's others tell them what to do! Unless that person is a mandalorian of greater station or Mandalore himself! NO ONE! DO YOU HEAR ME!!! GODS WHY CAN'T I FUCK MANDALORE WITH A STRAP ON?!?!?
Kowlings: Just so long as she gets her points from the headmaster. And by points I mean getting stuffed like a life day turkey. And by head master I mean a giant co.....
Okay! Then we have our last example here from the end of the book where, after all the quote unquote kinky stuff in the middle of the book, including the chapter where Nebulis demands he hurt her and Kantherion leaves his dirty socks all over the house and calls her a terrible cook.At the end we find the pair of them deciding to return to normalcy and finally get married. But there's a small hint that their kinky ways will continue.
"I love you.", she said to him softly, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.
"Kantherion held the toned form of the chiss against him firmly, kissing the top of her head, "I love you too."
"So what do you want to do tonight?", Nebulis asked as she looked up at him with a soft smile.
"Well we do have that new holomovie we could watch. I'll even make some popcorn.", he replied with a nod.
"Okay but take it easy on the salt this time.", the chiss said as they walked quietly up into the ship.
Dr. Beaver: Well I'm sure she's just watching her salt intake so that when she takes it to the face like a real woman her sodium count won't go too high. Because as we all know a healthy load of a man's *BEEP* is high in sodium.
Kaviss: *stunned silence*
Kowlings: Awwwwww yeaaaaaahhhh.
....... okay then. Well that does it for our look at 'Fifty Shades of Kanth' in holonovel stores now!!
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