Ain't it Lulz?

Friends! All men! Lend me your ears! ... no you're fucking ears put your junk back in your pants. Seriously? Today I, Kantherion Onerious, will bring you enlightenment. I shall teach you the errors so many make on this thing we call the Internets. Today I bring you.....

That's right fellas! Today you too can learn how not to creep out the fairer sex! And speaking as a real man, that should be your goal. To engage our friends across the gender aisle.. or in between it.. or those that like to bounce back and forth over it.. whatever! To engage them all in a manner that's both respectful and friendly!

So what's this all about? You ask. Well that's easy. You're trying to get your character laid. And here on the Internet with all the anonymity it gives it's not like walking into a bar or up to a real woman on the street right? After all there's that 1 in 10 rule isn't there? Women don't need basic respect and decency on the internet right?

Like our friend Doctor Nye says. Don't be a retard. The gaming community the world over is full of punk ass, foul mouthed, shit talking, idiots with the mentality of a four year old. This is because, unlike in real life, on the Internet they can run their mouths without the worry of getting their asses knocked the fuck out by someone who's tired of their crap.

This goes doubly so for the ladies of the gaming community. Sure, sure we've all run into the drama magnet that is the Fake Gamer Gurl. The one that won't let us forget she's a hot chick that's totally a nerd and that she doesn't want undue attention because she has boobs... .all the while telling you about how her boobs are just popping out of her new bra. Seen below is an easy side by side comparison that should make it much easier for you all to tell the difference.

That brings us to our main topic fellas. The ladies that play the games along side us. I know what you're saying, 'But Kanth! They has boobs!' Yes, gentlemen, I know. Boobs are a powerful thing and in the wrong hands they can be used to create chaos and destruction. But here's the thing guys. Most of our fellow gaming gurus, even those with a set of boobs, aren't playing these games to get all that attention because of boobs. They're playing the games because... big reveal coming... they enjoy them! And that enjoyment can be quickly stamped out by behavior from men that is fairly typical of how cavemen used to act when 'Hey let's go clubbing' had a WHOLE other meaning.

The above is just a small example of the more mundane things our lady friends have to go through on a pretty much daily basis. Recently I put out an open call to the ladies to share some of their experiences with online gaming and the sort of behavior they run into. Gentleman. I wrote a self-help book called How NOT to Pick Up Chicks and even I wasn't prepared for the sort of neanderthal like behaviors I was made aware of. So without further adieu we'll look at some of the more disturbing behaviors the ladies have to put up with.

1: The Over Complimentor

Many of those that responded to my request spoke of the guy that would engage them in role play in some neutral place, such as a cantina or on the fleet somewhere and compliment their character's looks. While this isn't a bad thing in itself it's when those compliments go from a friendly, 'Oh hey I like that outfit' to instantly creepy with something like 'You're character is hot, does she like big dicks?' What. The. Fuck. DUDE! That's called crossing the line. Not only have you crossed that line you've jumped over it, turned around and took a giant steaming dump on it.

2: The Beautiful People

So fellas you're character is gorgeous. He's the perfect vision of all that is man. No woman could ever possibly resist him right? I refer you once again to Doctor Nye above. I've actually heard horror stories of this and men God-Moding a response out of someone else's character. God damnit! Men you can't post a role play response for someone else's character and think they're going to be okay with it. So no matter how hot and bothered and panty soaking you think your character may make someone you can't force that sort of thing on your fellow player. Chances are if this sort of thing is observed by other men role players you're going to be mocked into next year anyway.

3: The Minute Seduction Expert

Apparently some men assume that since a woman is gaming their character is a complete whore. So naturally they should have to make minimal effort to get their digital wang all up in some digital hooha. After hearing about this one it just screamed 'inexperienced' to me. So guys if you want to come off as some weirdo that's never seen a pair of breasts NOT on a computer monitor try putting a little effort into your character's attempt at getting to know that nice new lady he met. Also, as a side note. If this approach DOES work for you guys, it's probably another dude playing the female character who's going to be touching himself during your sexy time role play.

4: The Dick Bag

This one covers quite a bit of bad behaviors gentlemen so pay the fuck attention. Here's some generally shitty behaviors that will put you in the 'Dick Bag' category. As one of our responders put it so perfectly...

 "They've got your char back their place, their character becomes a total ass because they are mr-coolest-character-in-the-universe and treating a female like dirt is somehow the way to show it, and then get pissed when the female char leaves and doesn't put out. "That's how my character is, you were fine when you came here, you just got pissed OOC and can't keep them separate, I'm so tired of stupid girl players that can't keep the game and real life separate, go ahead, leave."

Yeah.. this is a stretch. Cause every woman I know in real life loves being called a 'slut' and put down when they agree to go home with you. Moron. This sort of behavior just screams that you've never actually interacted with a woman in real life on any other level than 'I'll take the garbage out when I'm damn good and ready mom, GOD!'

 Another 'Dick Bag' behavior is the blackmailer. This one actually floored me because I couldn't believe that people would do this to a fellow gamer. As one of our responders put it:

"Or when you're IN a relationship, they threaten to tell your partner you're ERPing with them- IF YOU DONT erp with them. Trying to blackmail and shame you OOC for IC bullshit." 

There's really not much I can say on this one other than you suck and you're a coward. This sort of behavior is beyond creepy and I can't believe it works, ever. So just knock it off. Sack up and try talking to the ladies and having respect for the role play partnerships and relationships they've formed with those that have taken the effort to treat them like *GASP* human beings.

Gentlemen. Don't be a Dick Bag. Treat your fellow gamers with the respect and dignity they're due.

This last category is one that seriously pisses me the fuck off.

5: Mr. Rapey

First off, guys. Walking up to a random person in fleet or in a cantina and doing this:

"Then there's the one who flat out just walks up and tries to pin you against a bar in RP in the middle of a cantina until you tell him you'll sleep with him (this happened). Or the one who approaches you saying his character is the type who would forcibly take anything he wants and he wants your character so would you be okay with him raping your character? Totally IC, of course"

That makes you a fucking tool. No. No. Shut up. Shut your whore mouth. There's is absolutely NO excuse for this sort of behavior. It trivializes one of the most terrible things one human being can do to another human being. 'But it's a role playing game and not everyone is a carebear.' Dude just fuck you. Do us all a favor and just uninstall the damn game.

The worst part about this is when it's a gang of idiots and they do this in public with some willing participant for all to see. Yes. That actually happened in the Slippery Slopes back on Lord Adrass before the server mergers and my minor son saw part of it as he went in to the slopes for a class quest there. So guys if you want to play out some sick fantasy of your 'evil character' doing 'evil things' do us a favor and get some professional help. 

  
 "So just what are you trying to say, Kanth?"

Well that's pretty simple fellas. The internet is no longer the domain of male gamerness and hasn't been for a long, long time. It's time we as men pull ourselves away from the behaviors of little boys and start acting like fucking men. 

"So what's that mean?"

Don't worry little Jimmy. Uncle Kanth is gonna school ya on how to be a fucking man. 

First, a man is confident in himself. This doesn't mean he's a raging cockbag to everyone around him and talks mad loads of shit. No, that's the domain of idiot kids playing COD and fourteen year olds in any PVP on any game ever.  Confidence means you don't need to resort to skeevy bullyshit to get the ladies to role play with you or be around you in general. It means you're confident in your own manhood and that treating non-men as equals isn't a threat to your manliness. 

A real man is respectful. He doesn't demean someone or treat them as less simply because they have boobs. Women are every bit as human as men are and deserve the same amount of respect. I know what you're saying. "But Kanth. I don't treat anyone with respect." That's because you're a little bitch who will eventually wind up alone with no friends because you're a raging dick. Some of you are already there. How's your mom's basement?

Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying put the ladies on a pedestal and let them rule from on high. It's not about that. It's about treating them as equals and not some object for you to get your rocks off on and then toss aside like your favorite secret sock collection. They have every right to be playing the same games and enjoying the same things you do and if you had half a brain in your head you would recognize just how fucking cool it is that they do! 

Think about it! These aren't the girls that are always poking fun and calling gamers nerds and perverts. Or the ladies that demand you never pick up a game controller when they're in the house because they must have your undivided attention at all times when they're around. In fact, these ladies will be right there along with you! They don't think you're weird because you enjoy role play. The don't make fun of you for enjoying Star Wars or World of Warcraft or whatever. 

So why the hell do you wanna fuck that up?

Gentlemen! I make this proposal to you all today! Thank your fellow gamers! Thank the ladies for braving the disgusting, testosterone filled waters of todays MMOs and online games. Treat them with the respect and dignity due any human being and THEN frag the shit out of them on COD or PVP or where ever. Not because they're a girl. But because if you don't then they're surely going to destroy your ass. Just like everyone else out there. And when it comes to Role Play remember that behind the digital chick there's a real chick and your stupid maleness and approaches will have the same effect as it will in real life. 

Respect, gentlemen! Let's show the ladies we're not all slobbering morons who think with our junk at all times. Respect and understanding. Not treating them like your favorite secret sock. And of course actually talking to them in a manner that doesn't make them think you're some dude in a basement with bloody hatchet. 

It's simple really. Now. How many of you think you can do it?