Today we take a closer look at one of the hottest holonovels out there right now. In today's Republic and Imperial Societies the lock down of sexuality and keeping the exploration of such things deemed as 'kinky' or the like are often relegated to the privacy of one's bedroom. There's a general feeling of embarrassment and shame if one's bedroom practices are a bit different than those of the established norm.

The norm tends to be established by our parents' generation and their parents' generation before them. But what happens when romance happens outside of the norm? When the sexual practices of another that are usually taboo and forbidden are introduced to a wider audience? Furthermore what happens when those practices are introduced to a frothing, romance starved, way dirtier than you believe them to be, culture of sexually objectified and sexually repressed women?

Well that's what we're here to discuss today my friends! Welcome to Ain't It Lulz News Book Guru with your host, Kyp Huttsucker. Today I've gathered some of the best literary minds around the Galaxy to discuss the latest book release by Kantherion Onerious. We have Doctor June Beaver, author of 'Coming Dear' the Essential Guide to being a housewife in the modern era. We also have with us Barren Kaviss, author of 'FUCKING MANDALORIONS RULE! LOCK AND LOAD DUDE! LOCK AND LOAD!'. And finally we have K.K. Kowlings, author of 'Larry Knotter and the Half Sith Chick.'

So let's get right into it shall we? So here we have it, the cover art to Fifty Shades of Kanth.

Dr. Beaver: It's very subtle in it's meaning I think. It must be laundry day because she's sitting around in her underwear.

Kaviss: How is she supposed to have any protection in that? There's no beskar. No flamethrower. Obviously Mandalore wouldn't want her out like that. She HAS to be dar'manda.

Kowlings: As you can see here from just the cover, she has some sweet tits and he's totally checking them out.

Rather fine tits indeed. Now, once you get into the book you begin to read up on how Nebulis, the chiss from the cover, is actually quite annoyed with Kantherion to begin with. There's several anecdotes of their meetings where he approaches her without the suave sophistication one might expect. For example, this excerpt from chapter two:

"So what's your sign?", he asked her as they stood on the lift to the bridge of the massive ship, looking over at her with that odd look that she guessed was supposed to be charming but was somewhere between what she guessed was constipated and orgasmic.

"I don't have a sign. What are you talking about?", Nebulis asked in her sultry voice.

"I got one for ya, here.", he replied as he pulled out a small yellow diamond sign with the words 'Rear Entry Only' printed on it.

So as you can see he's not exactly suave or sophisticated and we have that made clear in the early chapters. Somewhere along the lines though he manages to bring her into his world of bounty hunting, bad pick up lines, and pre-pubescent potty jokes. What are your thoughts on some of these earlier chapters where we're getting to know the two?

Dr. Beaver: Well he's obviously in need of someone to take care of him. I mean just look at the poor fellow.

Kaviss: She should have caved his skull in for daring to make a joke to her! KILL THE INFIDEL!! KILL THE NON-MANDALORIAN!!

Kowlings: Titties.

Let's move on to the middle of the book. Here we have the pair of them together after some more awkward courtship on Kantherion's behalf. Now while they haven't commited to a relationship of sorts there has been some sex between the pair at this point. It's in these chapters that we begin to be exposed to what the author, Kantherion, describes as a more taboo side of things. Such as some of the following examples of sensual torture..

"Torture me as only a woman can!", Kantherion whispered to her in a breathy voice.

The chiss pressed her shapely form against him, one delicate hand caressing over one scruff covered cheek as she leaned in, whispering softly into his ear, her lush lips brushing against the lobe as she spoke ever so softly, "My mother is coming to visit for a month."

Dr. Beaver: I guess I don't understand what he's trying to get at here. It's clear in other writings that Nebulis doesn't know who her mother is. And why would someone's mother coming to visit be torture?

Kaviss: Family is important. It should be honored and treasured. But not as much as ARMOR AND BLASTERS AND FUCK JEDI AND SITH! FUCK 'EM! MANDOS FOREVER WOOOOOOO!!!!!

Kowlings: I think this is more a metaphor for missionary style really.

Oookaaaayy. But we also see other examples of Nebulis wanting him to punish her....

"I've been naughty.", the chiss said softly.

Kantherion rose from the bed and placed a pair of eyeglasses on his nose. "Nebulis I'm giving you detention. You need to learn not to talk in class."

Nebulis grinned at him as she too rose from the bed, nude but for a pair of lace black panties. She strolled towards him slowly, firm hips swaying back and forth in a sultry manner as she walked slowly around him three times, one hand trailing over his shoulders and neck as she did so. Finally the chiss turned and moved to sit at her desk, quietly doing multiplication problems for the next fifteen minutes.

Dr. Beaver: Well that's good that she's able to recognize when she's in the wrong and is willing to do the extra work to make up for it.

Kaviss: Fuck that shit! No self respecting warrior let's others tell them what to do! Unless that person is a mandalorian of greater station or Mandalore himself! NO ONE! DO YOU HEAR ME!!! GODS WHY CAN'T I FUCK MANDALORE WITH A STRAP ON?!?!?

Kowlings: Just so long as she gets her points from the headmaster. And by points I mean getting stuffed like a life day turkey. And by head master I mean a giant co.....


Okay! Then we have our last example here from the end of the book where, after all the quote unquote kinky stuff in the middle of the book, including the chapter where Nebulis demands he hurt her and Kantherion leaves his dirty socks all over the house and calls her a terrible cook.At the end we find the pair of them deciding to return to normalcy and finally get married. But there's a small hint that their kinky ways will continue.

"I love you.", she said to him softly, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"Kantherion held the toned form of the chiss against him firmly, kissing the top of her head, "I love you too."

"So what do you want to do tonight?", Nebulis asked as she looked up at him with a soft smile.

"Well we do have that new holomovie we could watch. I'll even make some popcorn.", he replied with a nod.

"Okay but take it easy on the salt this time.", the chiss said as they walked quietly up into the ship.


Dr. Beaver: Well I'm sure she's just watching her salt intake so that when she takes it to the face like a real woman her sodium count won't go too high. Because as we all know a healthy load of a man's *BEEP* is high in sodium.

Kaviss: *stunned silence*

Kowlings: Awwwwww yeaaaaaahhhh.

....... okay then. Well that does it for our look at 'Fifty Shades of Kanth' in holonovel stores now!!

Hello everyone and welcome to the first episode of 'Face to Face with Kantherion'. I'm your host, Kantherion Onerious. In this series we'll be meeting some of the members out there of the TOR role play community and getting to know them a bit better. Our first guest comes to us straight from his old stomping grounds of Nar Shaddaa.

Ladies and gentlemen. Kantherion Onerious.


Kantherion:
Thank you for joining us today, Kanth. I know you're a busy man.

Kantherion:
No problem, Kantherion. I'm happy to take a bit of time for my fans out there. Besides, who can say no to Kantherion Onerious?

Kantherion:
Well I can be pretty charming when I need to get my way.

Kantherion:
*laughs* Tell me about it!

Kantherion:
So tell us a bit about yourself.

Kantherion:
Well, what's to say? I was born to a pretty normal set of parents. They run a shipping company out of Corellia. Nothing huge but it paid the bills. When I was old enough I joined up with the Republic Military as a pilot then ended up getting recruited by the SIS.

Kantherion:
The SIS? Oh my. What led to that?

Kantherion:
Well I can't really talk about the exact events, security clearance and all that. But what I can tell you is that it involved my turn coat commanding officer, squadmates, a fallen Jedi, and two thousand pounds of strawberry Jello.

Kantherion:
Jello?

Kantherion:
Jello.

Kantherion:
Interesting. So what happened after you joined the SIS?

Kantherion:
Well I was sent to work undercover among the Imperials when the war broke out.

Kantherion:
Sounds dangerous.

Kantherion:
Yep. It was incredibly dangerous. But that's the sort of guy I am. Taking the risks. Living life on a razor's edge. One man. Two guns. Some rocket launchers. A flamethrower. Grenades. Devastatingly good looks and charm. Against the Imperials.

Kantherion:
So how'd that work out?

Kantherion:
Well I started banging my sith commander.

Kantherion:
Willingly?

Kantherion:
Oh yeah! Great way to pump some information out of her!

Kantherion:
Giggity.

Kantherion:
Giggity indeed.

Kantherion:
So what happened?

Kantherion:
Well she got knocked up. I'm a pretty potent fella after all.

Kantherion:
I'm thinking there's not a happy ending to this.

Kantherion:
Nope. She faked her own death and took on another identity. One that informed to me about the goings on in the Empire for years after that. I had no idea it was actually her. Women.

Kantherion:
I know right?

Kantherion:
She did all that when I rushed back to Coruscant during the Sacking. I had a little cousin that was training at the Temple and well... I'm a family first sort of guy. So when she told me the sith were planning an attack upon the capital I had to go.

Kantherion:
You're speaking of course about Ihlrath Onerious. Leader of the Marran.

Kantherion:
Yeah but he'll always be little Ihly to me.

Kantherion:
I bet he hates that nick name.

Kantherion:
Yeah but I call him it anyways. Yanno.. help him train that emotional control Jedi thing. I multitask a lot.

Kantherion:
So what happened after that?

Kantherion:
Well I was sent in again to keep an eye on the Dartanii Corporation. Something the Republic wanted to know more about since there were some pretty hefty hitters involved. That's where I met the boys.

Kantherion:
Ni'kish and his Mandalorians?

Kantherion:
Yep. The boys. We had some fun together. They were some good mandalorians.

Kantherion:
Now, you actually walked that path for a while right?

Kantherion:
As mandalorian? Yeah for a bit. But I can't really serve a guy that kills a puppet then claims he's not a puppet while keeping all the previous puppet's agenda on board. I mean. If I had found out some asshole was placed by the Sith to manipulate my people into serving the Sith I'd be a little pissed off at the.. yanno.. fucking sith. I wouldn't go on serving them. Makes no sense.

Kantherion:
There was a lot bitching on that end of I remember correctly.

Kantherion:
Yeah a lot of folks take that stuff dead serious. It's kind of like those bouncers at the bar you know. The ones that go home and watch 'Roadhouse' every night and touch themselves?

Kantherion:
Ahh yeah. Or the ones that insist they use the name 'Dalton' at work to protect their identity.

Kantherion:
*laughs* Yeah like they're fuckin' Batman or something.

Kantherion:
So what are you up to these days? You've written several holobooks. Including your autobriographical best selling 'Yeah dude! I'm awesome!' and your series of self help books including 'How NOT to Pick up Chicks' and 'Your Padawan, Hot Sith. And What To Do' for our friends in the Jedi.

Kantherion:
Don't forget my hit holoshow 'Kantherion: Agent Double O Nine and a Half'. I don't star in it but it's inspired by me.

Kantherion:
Based on events in your life?

Kantherion:
What? Oh shit no! But the writers like to use me as inspiration for their main character since he's supposed to be based on me.

Kantherion:
He is? But I thought he actually got the ladies in the show.

Kantherion:
Well I didn't say it was EXACTLY like me.

Kantherion:
Speaking of ladies. You just got married.

Kantherion:
I did! To a wonderful woman named Nebulis. She's a chiss.

Kantherion:
Oooooo. Bluebies.

Kantherion:
Yes. Bluebies indeed.

Kantherion:
So what's next for Kantherion?

Kantherion:
Well I'm going to concentrate on being a good husband. Right now I'm working on my next big project. 'The Big Book of Nyomi'. Which is basically an expose on Jedi Master Nyomi Adastra and her debilitating addiction to Romance Novels, It's one of those 'a little bit of all of us' sort of things. And I want to spend more time with my wife and daughter. Yanno the kid that the sith had?

Kantherion:
Ahh yes. I hear she's doing well. As for Master Adastra's addiction. I know I couldn't put down the Fifty Shades of Blue when it came out.

Kantherion:
I know! Who knew ortolans were so kinky?

Kantherion:
Kanth. Thank you for being here today and sharing some of yourself with our viewers.

Kantherion:
It was a pleasure, Kanth.

Kantherion:
Well that's all we have time for today. Make sure to tune in next time when our guest will be Maximillion!

Friends! All men! Lend me your ears! ... no you're fucking ears put your junk back in your pants. Seriously? Today I, Kantherion Onerious, will bring you enlightenment. I shall teach you the errors so many make on this thing we call the Internets. Today I bring you.....

That's right fellas! Today you too can learn how not to creep out the fairer sex! And speaking as a real man, that should be your goal. To engage our friends across the gender aisle.. or in between it.. or those that like to bounce back and forth over it.. whatever! To engage them all in a manner that's both respectful and friendly!

So what's this all about? You ask. Well that's easy. You're trying to get your character laid. And here on the Internet with all the anonymity it gives it's not like walking into a bar or up to a real woman on the street right? After all there's that 1 in 10 rule isn't there? Women don't need basic respect and decency on the internet right?

Like our friend Doctor Nye says. Don't be a retard. The gaming community the world over is full of punk ass, foul mouthed, shit talking, idiots with the mentality of a four year old. This is because, unlike in real life, on the Internet they can run their mouths without the worry of getting their asses knocked the fuck out by someone who's tired of their crap.

This goes doubly so for the ladies of the gaming community. Sure, sure we've all run into the drama magnet that is the Fake Gamer Gurl. The one that won't let us forget she's a hot chick that's totally a nerd and that she doesn't want undue attention because she has boobs... .all the while telling you about how her boobs are just popping out of her new bra. Seen below is an easy side by side comparison that should make it much easier for you all to tell the difference.

That brings us to our main topic fellas. The ladies that play the games along side us. I know what you're saying, 'But Kanth! They has boobs!' Yes, gentlemen, I know. Boobs are a powerful thing and in the wrong hands they can be used to create chaos and destruction. But here's the thing guys. Most of our fellow gaming gurus, even those with a set of boobs, aren't playing these games to get all that attention because of boobs. They're playing the games because... big reveal coming... they enjoy them! And that enjoyment can be quickly stamped out by behavior from men that is fairly typical of how cavemen used to act when 'Hey let's go clubbing' had a WHOLE other meaning.

The above is just a small example of the more mundane things our lady friends have to go through on a pretty much daily basis. Recently I put out an open call to the ladies to share some of their experiences with online gaming and the sort of behavior they run into. Gentleman. I wrote a self-help book called How NOT to Pick Up Chicks and even I wasn't prepared for the sort of neanderthal like behaviors I was made aware of. So without further adieu we'll look at some of the more disturbing behaviors the ladies have to put up with.

1: The Over Complimentor

Many of those that responded to my request spoke of the guy that would engage them in role play in some neutral place, such as a cantina or on the fleet somewhere and compliment their character's looks. While this isn't a bad thing in itself it's when those compliments go from a friendly, 'Oh hey I like that outfit' to instantly creepy with something like 'You're character is hot, does she like big dicks?' What. The. Fuck. DUDE! That's called crossing the line. Not only have you crossed that line you've jumped over it, turned around and took a giant steaming dump on it.

2: The Beautiful People

So fellas you're character is gorgeous. He's the perfect vision of all that is man. No woman could ever possibly resist him right? I refer you once again to Doctor Nye above. I've actually heard horror stories of this and men God-Moding a response out of someone else's character. God damnit! Men you can't post a role play response for someone else's character and think they're going to be okay with it. So no matter how hot and bothered and panty soaking you think your character may make someone you can't force that sort of thing on your fellow player. Chances are if this sort of thing is observed by other men role players you're going to be mocked into next year anyway.

3: The Minute Seduction Expert

Apparently some men assume that since a woman is gaming their character is a complete whore. So naturally they should have to make minimal effort to get their digital wang all up in some digital hooha. After hearing about this one it just screamed 'inexperienced' to me. So guys if you want to come off as some weirdo that's never seen a pair of breasts NOT on a computer monitor try putting a little effort into your character's attempt at getting to know that nice new lady he met. Also, as a side note. If this approach DOES work for you guys, it's probably another dude playing the female character who's going to be touching himself during your sexy time role play.

4: The Dick Bag

This one covers quite a bit of bad behaviors gentlemen so pay the fuck attention. Here's some generally shitty behaviors that will put you in the 'Dick Bag' category. As one of our responders put it so perfectly...

 "They've got your char back their place, their character becomes a total ass because they are mr-coolest-character-in-the-universe and treating a female like dirt is somehow the way to show it, and then get pissed when the female char leaves and doesn't put out. "That's how my character is, you were fine when you came here, you just got pissed OOC and can't keep them separate, I'm so tired of stupid girl players that can't keep the game and real life separate, go ahead, leave."

Yeah.. this is a stretch. Cause every woman I know in real life loves being called a 'slut' and put down when they agree to go home with you. Moron. This sort of behavior just screams that you've never actually interacted with a woman in real life on any other level than 'I'll take the garbage out when I'm damn good and ready mom, GOD!'

 Another 'Dick Bag' behavior is the blackmailer. This one actually floored me because I couldn't believe that people would do this to a fellow gamer. As one of our responders put it:

"Or when you're IN a relationship, they threaten to tell your partner you're ERPing with them- IF YOU DONT erp with them. Trying to blackmail and shame you OOC for IC bullshit." 

There's really not much I can say on this one other than you suck and you're a coward. This sort of behavior is beyond creepy and I can't believe it works, ever. So just knock it off. Sack up and try talking to the ladies and having respect for the role play partnerships and relationships they've formed with those that have taken the effort to treat them like *GASP* human beings.

Gentlemen. Don't be a Dick Bag. Treat your fellow gamers with the respect and dignity they're due.

This last category is one that seriously pisses me the fuck off.

5: Mr. Rapey

First off, guys. Walking up to a random person in fleet or in a cantina and doing this:

"Then there's the one who flat out just walks up and tries to pin you against a bar in RP in the middle of a cantina until you tell him you'll sleep with him (this happened). Or the one who approaches you saying his character is the type who would forcibly take anything he wants and he wants your character so would you be okay with him raping your character? Totally IC, of course"

That makes you a fucking tool. No. No. Shut up. Shut your whore mouth. There's is absolutely NO excuse for this sort of behavior. It trivializes one of the most terrible things one human being can do to another human being. 'But it's a role playing game and not everyone is a carebear.' Dude just fuck you. Do us all a favor and just uninstall the damn game.

The worst part about this is when it's a gang of idiots and they do this in public with some willing participant for all to see. Yes. That actually happened in the Slippery Slopes back on Lord Adrass before the server mergers and my minor son saw part of it as he went in to the slopes for a class quest there. So guys if you want to play out some sick fantasy of your 'evil character' doing 'evil things' do us a favor and get some professional help. 

  
 "So just what are you trying to say, Kanth?"

Well that's pretty simple fellas. The internet is no longer the domain of male gamerness and hasn't been for a long, long time. It's time we as men pull ourselves away from the behaviors of little boys and start acting like fucking men. 

"So what's that mean?"

Don't worry little Jimmy. Uncle Kanth is gonna school ya on how to be a fucking man. 

First, a man is confident in himself. This doesn't mean he's a raging cockbag to everyone around him and talks mad loads of shit. No, that's the domain of idiot kids playing COD and fourteen year olds in any PVP on any game ever.  Confidence means you don't need to resort to skeevy bullyshit to get the ladies to role play with you or be around you in general. It means you're confident in your own manhood and that treating non-men as equals isn't a threat to your manliness. 

A real man is respectful. He doesn't demean someone or treat them as less simply because they have boobs. Women are every bit as human as men are and deserve the same amount of respect. I know what you're saying. "But Kanth. I don't treat anyone with respect." That's because you're a little bitch who will eventually wind up alone with no friends because you're a raging dick. Some of you are already there. How's your mom's basement?

Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying put the ladies on a pedestal and let them rule from on high. It's not about that. It's about treating them as equals and not some object for you to get your rocks off on and then toss aside like your favorite secret sock collection. They have every right to be playing the same games and enjoying the same things you do and if you had half a brain in your head you would recognize just how fucking cool it is that they do! 

Think about it! These aren't the girls that are always poking fun and calling gamers nerds and perverts. Or the ladies that demand you never pick up a game controller when they're in the house because they must have your undivided attention at all times when they're around. In fact, these ladies will be right there along with you! They don't think you're weird because you enjoy role play. The don't make fun of you for enjoying Star Wars or World of Warcraft or whatever. 

So why the hell do you wanna fuck that up?

Gentlemen! I make this proposal to you all today! Thank your fellow gamers! Thank the ladies for braving the disgusting, testosterone filled waters of todays MMOs and online games. Treat them with the respect and dignity due any human being and THEN frag the shit out of them on COD or PVP or where ever. Not because they're a girl. But because if you don't then they're surely going to destroy your ass. Just like everyone else out there. And when it comes to Role Play remember that behind the digital chick there's a real chick and your stupid maleness and approaches will have the same effect as it will in real life. 

Respect, gentlemen! Let's show the ladies we're not all slobbering morons who think with our junk at all times. Respect and understanding. Not treating them like your favorite secret sock. And of course actually talking to them in a manner that doesn't make them think you're some dude in a basement with bloody hatchet. 

It's simple really. Now. How many of you think you can do it?

Greetings and salutations everyone! Today we take a closer look at a topic that comes up often in role play... Sex! Yes ladies and gentlemen today we'll tackle that one subject that everyone seems to have an opinion on. What am I talking about? This is the Internet, everyone has an opinion on everything.

Anyway! Today we'll cover some of your more basic RP troupes for those that engage in what has become affectionately known as ERP or European Ratchet Pulling... What? Well what's it stand for then? Erotic Role Play? That's a stupid name. No. No. I don't care. Fuck it. It's European Ratchet Pulling.

So why all the hush hush about it? Well mostly because people are afraid of being judged. Why anyone would care about the opinions of Internet trolls not with standing, being afraid of being judged on the Internet is sort of like sex with Ben Rothlesburger.  You can cry and kick all you want but... well it's gonna happen.

But unlike meeting Mr. Rothlesburger in a seedy bar bathroom, Internet trolls are harmless! In fact, most people these days can spot a troll. For instance:

So first and foremost, don't fear the troll. Especially don't fear the troll that's bashing any sort of role play loudly because chances are, they engage in that sort of role play way more than the people they're bashing do! That brings us to our first troupe! 


1: The Closet Humper

The Closet Humper will do their best to dispel any notion that they engage in such 'stupid and useless' waste of their time. They'll put down anyone that engages in such as perverts and losers and pretty much anything else under the sun and moon. However! At their first chance the Closet Humper will engage in acts of debauchery so foul and unheard of that the Marquis De Sade himself stands back in awe.

2: The Kinkster

Some folks use the Internet and Role Play as a way to safely play out any sort of fantasy they have rolling around in their heads that they might be afraid of expressing to real world friends or loved ones. This allows them a sort of anonymity and a cushion to safely hide behind while exploring their own inner workings. In this sense ERP can be a healthy and safe outlet for someone who quite rightly fears being tied to a pole while some stranger in leather spreads cheese dip on their unmentionables and a choir of all nude midgets sings the Oscar Meyer hot dog song.What do you mean that's 'rather specific'? Well I have a friend that's into some stuff and he... DON'T JUDGE ME!!

3: The Mesmian

Mesmians, a phrase fairly new for a phenomena as old as Role Play itself. Mesmians are men who play female, strictly lesbian, characters for the express and solitary purpose of engaging in lesbian sex. Now this isn't to say that all male played female characters are mesmians. No, no. This is a very specific subsect of role players that play female characters only to engage in lesbian sex. There is very little character development outside of the bedroom and none that doesn't deal with munching as many carpets as possible. These characters are often very volatile, man hating, and promiscuous. Which tends to insult actual lesbians that role play within games as they see their lifestyle being demeaned and stereotypes about them blasted out loud so everyone can see. Now don't get us wrong, there's very good female characters out there played by men. We're only speaking of the small minority out there. You know who you are.


4: Fake Gamer Gurl (AKA Girl on the Internet Syndrome)

We've all known at least one in our time on the net and engaged in Role Play. Some chick that thinks because she has boobs that all should bow down before her. Fake Gamer Gurls, or Fakers, tend to engage in ERP as a means of gaining control of some sort over a group. Often they seek out the leader of a guild or social circle, regardless of who or what their characters are, and attempt to engage them in romantic or erotic RP. This had led to several hilarious instances over the years. The 'Wookiee Shag Down' incident of '07 is just one of a few. A Faker can often be detected through their use of overly descriptive hyper sexual actions. Or! More often constant OOC chatter about being a chick, their boyfriend, drinking, partying, and the statement 'Oh my gawd! I'm SUCH a nerd!'


Finally we come to the holy grail of  gaming in general when it comes for us dudes....

5: The actual Girl Gamer

What can we say about these diamonds in the rough. Because trust me fellas, if you're dealing with one of these, they're rough. They'll probably kick your ass in PVP or be way better at PVE than you are. Why? Because they don't give a fuck what YOU think they're going to get the best gear, the best rotation, and the best strat and work that shit like they'll work your character's happy time should you be lucky enough to find one that a) Role Plays and b)Gives you the time of day after your character slobbers all over them. The Gods themselves won't be able to save you from their wrath either if you fuck up and end up facing them across the field of competition. For your own sake, don't take it easy on them and whatever you do don't TELL them you're going to take it easy on them because when they eventually embarrass you they'll make sure you know they were taking it easy on YOU. This also applies to Role Play of all kinds. They're just good at it. Because they're chicks and for some reason imagination is just something they do better than dudes. For example, Fifty Shades of Grey? Yep. Written by a chick. Just chew on that for a while.

"Gentleman are you having problems with the fairer sex? Tired of not getting any dates? Or how about sick of sitting alone that the cantina? Are you not able to get that special girl's attention? Well frown no more because help has arrived! From the people that brought you:"

"Bounty Hunter, Awesome Guy, Celebrity Author, and part time Wookiee Gigalo, Kantherion Onerious has spent a lift time perfecting the craft of getting shot down by even the most desperate and lonely women the Galaxy has to offer. Guys, there's broke hookers on Nar Shaddaa that would rather starve than take this man's credits!"

"Painstakingly recorded, compiled and now published by 'Stupid Shuta' press. 'Kantherion's Guide on How NOT to Pick Up Women!" will soon be hitting markets. But you have a chance to buy this revolutionary teaching tool before it hits the stands!"

"Learn what not to say to......"

"Iridonian women!"
"Hey babe. Nice Horns. Wanna f*beep*?"

"Miralukan women!"
"So you're blind huh? Hot."

"Chiss women!"
"I got just the right icing for your blueberries."

"Miralian women!"
"Babe. You're green. And I got a craving for peppermint. .. Hey where you goin?"

"Pureblood women!"
"So how about you put that lighsaber away and we talk moisturizers. Cause DAMN girl you're ashy as hell." *choking sounds followed by a strained Kanth voice* "Is that a no?"

"Even Wookiee Women!"
"That's alright babe. I don't mind that natural look." *wookiee roar followed by girly squeals and crashing sounds*

"That's right gentlemen. It's time to learn from the master. Just do NONE of what this man does and you'll have the ladies' attention in no time! Act now and while supplies last you'll receive a free copy of the holo short 'Kantherion's Greatest Nyomi Fails!', co-starring Jedi Master Nyomi Adastra! Who can forget gems like these:"

"Hey. Nice rack." *sound of a lightsaber igniting*

"Look all I'm saying is just let me touch your butt. You wouldn't deny a man his dieing wish would you?
"You're not dieing."
"Aren't we all just dieing slowly?" *sound of an armored form hitting a wall*

"And of course that ageless classic...."

"Why are you still talking? Shouldn't be undressing in my quarters by now?" *brawling sound* "OW! Hey! Damnit! I told you I'm not into the rough stuff!!"


"And as if THAT wasn't enough if you call in the next ten minutes we'll send you a copy of Kantherion's greatest contribution in helping out our friends in the Jedi Order! K&M Industries presents..."

"That's right! Learn the secrets in how to keep your Padawan from 'falling INTO the darkside' (see what we did there?) with this handy new, easy to use Guide.  Simply read this book and you'll never have another Padawan get seduced, literally, to the darkside! "

"We even present several strategies on how to achieve this goal in simple, easy to navigate chapters. Such as....."

Chapter 1: BDSM, though fun,  is of the darkside!  Once you begin, forever will it dominate your path!

Chapter 2:  If it's red, don't take it to bed!

Chapter 3: Force Lightning isn't just for Foreplay.

As well as!

Chapter 4: Chastity belts and you!

"Those are only just a few of the amazing plans we have worked out to keep your Padawan from shaboinking their way to darkness, suffering, and pain! We've also included...."

"Learn from Marran Paladin Sir Sedryn's bevy of mistakes and horrible, debilitating, comical awkwardness around hot women in general! Add to that a pair of sith nibbling on his ears and you've got...."

Chapter 8: Sedryn's Guide to Nailing Sith Broads!

"Then witness the aftermath of Sedryn's misadventures in....."

Chapter 9: Nyomi Adastra's How To Properly Bitchsmack your Padawan!

"We've also managed to get a special interview from an anonymous Darth who's made a career out of seducing Padawans. Learn her secrets and how to prepare for them in...."

Chapter 12: A Darth's Guide to Clam Slamming Padawans to the darkside.


As always K&M Inc. will donate a portion of the proceeds of all book sales to....

"Providing quality shelter and personal attention for all of our many single moms!"

Cultural Exchange with Kantherion Onerious

Hello there everyone and welcome to the first edition of Cultural Exchange, the holoshow where we visit the worlds of sentients across the galaxy and learn all about their lives and ways of living. With my first episode I really wanted to do something special and so I've gained a diplomatic and filming permit and off to Kashyyyk I went!

When I arrived I was pleasantly surprised by the greeting I received. As it turns out Wookiees as a people take visitors and hospitality very seriously as it's a point of Family Honor to them. Wookiees live in communities built among the massive Wroshyr Trees native to their planet. It takes a bit of getting used to being up so high but eventually I got my tree legs as they call them and joined my hosts for a Hrrtayyk Ceremony. There was a lot of pomp and ceremony... well I guess that's obvious. The young wookiee preparing to go out into the Kashyyyk wilds and prove their ability to survive among the natural predators and dangerous plant life native to Kashyyyk. There was a curious food there they served me called Klak. It's a fried food and while it was actually pretty tasty. It was so damn spicy I think it singed my intestines.

Although I didn't really understand what was going on my hosts adorned the young wookiee with satchels, pouches, and other such things he would need to collect what he would need to survive in the wilds. Being the good guest that I am, I of course added my own decorative touch for the young wookiee.

Doesn't he look amazing? Of course he did. Apparently I wasn't supposed to participate but rather observe. Well, it's called Cultural Exchange after all! After the young wookiee headed off into the wilderness my guide, a rather large wookie named Chalmakrah, showed me around the village. He informed me that there would be a Waita Tar Dance this evening. It's a dance that is performed as a celebratory ritual. I guess my visiting this particular village was a great honor to the wookiees there. I have to admit was very flattered. Though I'm not sure how much I was looking forward to seeing wookiee women gyrating about in bikinis. I really hope this isn't going to be like those 'dances' I've gott...err.. witnessed drunken slobs getting on Nar Shaddaa.

We visited my guide's home where he introduced me to his family. His lovely lifemate Falowa, and his children Gragcha, Loma....something.. and the third one I can't even begin to pronounce. There was a lot of growling and grunting though. I'm fairly sure I made a good impression on my hosts. That or I'm now married to Chalmakrah's eldest daughter, growly-growl-ugha-grunt..... or something like that. Hope she shaves. While visiting the Klak from earlier ran right through me. I noted Chalmakrah's reading material on a trip to the refresher. As a man who likes his guns and explosives I have to say that Wookiee Monthly is a fun read. I could have done without the article on the Wookiee issue with dingle berrys.

After visiting Chalmakrah's home we were off to the Waita Tar Dance. I was informed it was in celebration of a recent lifemating. Wow. Taking a mate for life. I was really impressed by that. I can't even get a relationship to last past the post coitus cuddling. Though I suppose 'Hey what's your name again?' isn't the best pillow talk line. It was a pretty interesting sight. There were a lot of torches and yodeling. If you've never heard a wookiee yodel it's a lot like what I would imagine their mating to sound like. Sensual it was not. The females moved in a circle around the males and even I was invited to join in. After the dance we sat around a huge fire and drank Gorimm Wine. Now we were in business! Let me tell you I've drank with the best... and the worst.. around this big Galaxy and that Gorimm Wine was some seriously potent stuff! Much of the night is a blur but I remember a lot of yodeling at one point.

When I woke up there were a few hairy arms draped over me. Well it seems them Wookiees are fond of cuddling too! How sweet of them. I must have slept like a log. Before I knew it Chalmakrah was ushering me out of the village back towards my shuttle. He seemed in a bit of a hurry but I couldn't figure out why. As I boarded my shuttle I turned to say my goodbyes and saw a large group of my friends from the night before rushing out to see me off. I wasn't sure what all the weapons were for though the Wookiees really should change their tradition to shooting their weapons into the air rather than AT someone to say farewell. Well I guess that's why we call it Cultural Exchange!

I'll miss my new wookiee friends. I had planned to visit again soon but Chalmakrah informed me that may be a bad idea. Must be some sort of wookiee only festival or something coming up. Oh well. Someday!

Good evening everyone, I'm Kyp Huttsucker and this is your TOR news for today.

In local news the Slippery Slopes Cantina once again became a bloodbath of epic proportions as bored, trolling Battlemasters descended upon local party goers for another round of 'How many Duel Requests Does It Take Bro?' A new bar was set by little Jimmy 'Lookitmycockitshugebro' Worthington of Chicago with a record display of Duel Requests. In a display of roleplay not seen since the great 'Moonglade Purge' of '09 little Jimmy successfully dropped Duel Requests at characters that smiled at him, pondered about him, offered to buy him a drink, offered to buy him a woman, begged for his mercy, questioned his penis size, smiled at some one OTHER than him, bought anyone a drink, anyone that spoke, anyone that didn't speak, people walking in, people walking out, and even tried to duel a few of the NPC's in the cantina. His greatest feat of roleplay came when he successfully dueled a level 15 smuggler. Standing over his fallen foe he was quoted as saying 'Y u no like my rpz bro? My guy is evilz bro. He likes to kill stuff bro. Cuz that's what evilz do bro. I'm the best rpz evah bro! Sum 1 get me some bitchez.'

                                        Little Jimmy stands triumphant. But needs a diaper change.

In other epic news yet another gathering of roleplayers was blessed with the presence of our brethren in awesome. Voss was the latest target on the list of showing people how to roleplay. An amazing event that took hard work, dedication, and massive coordination by dedicated members of the roleplaying community took place. Open for all to come and enjoy roleplay with one another in a mature and fun setting. It was agreed that all was going well until what has become known as the 'lol i forsed ur gun bro' incident. What was a complete stroke of genius god-mode roleplaying was suddenly the catalyst for scantily clad security forces to begin the Duel Request battle of Voss-Ka! Nevermind that according to Voss law any violence by outsiders is strictly forbidden. 'Big' John Vakowski, better know by his gamer tag of 'SpaceGangsta98', was quoted as saying 'lolz y u mad Voss? u mad bro? y u no like my rpz?' When questioned about his gamer tag Vakowski replied 'dats da year i wuz born bro! upper west siiiiiiiiiide West Chester beotch! Representin! I'm gangsta brah!' Our interview with Big John was cut short by his mother telling him it was time to clean his room. It's generally agreed that the violence on Voss this evening left most of the Voss looking something akin to this:

It's been reported that both Republic and Imperial forces have began to work with the Voss in order to cure this new disfiguring complex. It's being called the 'i got mad rpz bro' syndrome. No cure is yet in sight.